5 Reasons not to go home tonight….or to school…ever.

5. MIL and Poor Fan the dog are engaged in full out war over tomatoes…Poor Fan the dog is constantly sneaking into the garden to chomp tomatoes right off the vine – ripe or not, it makes no difference to her. MIL is incensed and has set up an obstacle course of slides, basket ball net, patio chairs and various push toys in an effort to keep Poor Fan the dog out of the garden.

4. Topher and Winston are wailing over lack of access to their slides, basket ball net and various push toys.

3. MIL is livid with me and spouse as we care not one little bit that Poor Fan the dog is munching on all the tomatoes.

2. Spouse is already in deep depression over the inevitable approach of winter.

1. I’m out of vodka.

And somehow I have to find the inner strength and serenity to deal with the inevitable approach of Topher’s first day at school. To be honest, it is not some sentimental weepiness or nostalgia that my little guy is now old enough to be heading off to kindergarten. Rather, it is the reality fast approaching that I am now embarking on a career of intercession and mediation between the school system and my spawn, and I suspect this is not going to be fun for any of us. Not Drowning, Mothering (http://notdrowning.wordpress.com) is all too clear in a I’d-rather-laugh-then-break-down-and-cry kind of way about the tyranny of late passes, missed days, school breaks, “professional development” days etc., and while her posts are dead funny, they also terrify me about what is to come. And, although the first day of school has not yet arrived, I have already had my first what-the-hell-was-that conversation with the school.

Back in June, the school sent an information package to parents and one of the pieces was a letter that outlined how the little sweeties would be introduced slowly to school. Part of this entailed me (although why I assume it has to be me and not spouse is something to save for another post) bringing Topher to school for a one-on-one classroom visit, AFTER which, the helpful information form written by the school clearly said, he would have the chance to attend, in a small group, school for 3 mornings over two weeks. Note this is to be AFTER the one-on-one visit. So blow me down if the school hasn’t buggered up the dates and times so that he starts attending school BEFORE he has his one-on-one visit.

I’m thinking, despite not being and educational specialist, this is not what they intended. But for the last 3 months I have tried unsuccessfully to reach the school to sort this out. Of course, being summer, no one is at the school to sort this out…until today. And blow me down again, but they don’t seem to be able to get a handle on the concept of BEFORE and AFTER…nor see the need to follow the procedure they have so clearly outlined in the ever-so-helpful information package.

So, here’s what I say: first time I get sent off to the office for a late pass, the first time I am late handing in a parent consent from, the first time I forget to call the attendance office to inform them Topher will be absent – and catch crap from the school for such infractions, I will haul out this coffee-stained, vodka drenched information package, wave it hysterically in their faces and yell “Cast not the first stone!!”

Now, I’m pretty sure I am not heading into this with the best of attitudes. Those who knew me during my own days at school will know that I have a perverse love of going up against the administration. But honestly, am I going to entrust the education of my son to a system run by adults who still are shaking on the concepts of BEFORE and AFTER? This does not bode well at all…not for any of us unfortunate to be thrown together in the education of Topher…