So…yesterday’s Globe and Mail - self titled “Canada’s National Newspaper” – ran a short collection of articles on the “Mommy Wars” - this supposedly never ending feud between stay-at-home moms and working-outside-the-home moms over …well, I’m actually not really sure what the feud is about. Mommy Wars are supposedly between these two groups of moms about who is the better mother, what is better for children, selfless vs selfish…but what is really at the root of it somewhat escapes me. Although I suspect if we all think back to high school we can all remember a group of young women that just weren’t happy unless they were making someone else miserable.
I’m not particularly interested in whether the women staying at home raising their children approve or disapprove of my own decision to work and have a career in addition to being a mom to my two wonderful (and right now, filthy) boys. They can snub me at playgroup and the playground, keep in their tightly knit cabal and gossip to their hearts content within my hearing (although it is often viciously about each other, pity whoever among their group that is absent that day!!), and rebuff all efforts at common civility in what is a shared community space. But they may not step over my children in the sandbox as though they were bothersome Dickensian street urchins; they may not behave as though the play structures are there for the amusement of their offspring alone by shooing and blocking my own darlings; and they may not turn a blind eye when their tots bang or push either of my children but intervene vigorously when the same behaviour is dished out to one of their friends.
I don’t care if they believe all women should produce only children in this capitalist society of ours and then stay put to raise them, or if they believe that my “selfish” decision to work places my children at risk, or if they are jealous, bitter, thwarted or bored; happy, fulfilled, challenged, or entertained. I care that they show my children the same kindness, consideration, and interest that I show to all children that I encounter. I care that children are taught by a parent about friendship and common civility, about generosity, sharing, conflict resolution, and respect for others – even with they are different from us in how they look, sound, or in what they do. I suspect if we all raised our children that way we could finally put an end to the nonsense of Mommy Wars…certainly we all have more important things to fuss about, don’t we?
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Oooo. Nice dig at the SAHMS, against whom I also something of a chip on my shoulder until I became one. I have to say that even now, b/c I generally dislike the culture so much, I try very hard to differentiate myself.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there is no point in judging either side, or suggesting one "right" way to mother, but I do find it interesting how each side seems to need to justify its position with arguments that denigrate, either overtly or indirectly, the other side.
I know, I know, I sound bitter, cross and deeply uncharitable, which I do regret. The articles in the Globe made me cross, but truth is, my anger is really more hurt - and it should have been directed squarely where it belongs - towards several women in my neighbourhood that have behaved badly towards me, and interestingly, towards a few other neighbourhood SAHMs. It is the clique aspect that I hate, the highschool nastiness that I deplore, and the inevitable fallout on my and their children that makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteI'd think I was just being too sensitive, or projecting my own feelings of inadequacy, except my mother-in-law who is living with us right now and is from an entirely different continent and culture says she has noticed the same behaviour and the same deliberate slights. But my complaint, at the end of the day, is that there are a small group of women who would be nasty no matter whether they worked from home, outside the home, or never lifted a finger at all in either venue, who seem to need to spoil things for others. I should be a bigger and better person and feel sorry for the smallness of their hearts. And besides, at the end of the day I would rather align myself with women (and men) who share similar values, interests and who, in the words of Anne Shirley via Lucy Maud Montgomery, are kindred spirits. Which would, in and of itself, make the Mommy Wars issue unimportant.