It was once suggested to me that I had best learn how to finish what I start. I remain unconvinced the old “finish what you started” adage has much value other than conforming to some self-punishing protestant ethic or other....but despite a history of not following this suggestion made long ago, I feel guilty about some things left incomplete, hold regrets about others, and worry that I am in some way defective at worst and flibberty-gibbeted at best. Certainly I fear I lack the ability to stick it out when the going gets tough. And I am again feeling that old feeling of wanting to flee, of needing a change in path and direction, the impulse to – gasp – quit.
The source of discontent this time is my career...which seems to have stalled rather spectacularly. I have just returned after a full year’s paid parental leave, to the executive leadership development program that I was chosen to be part of prior to finding out I was pregnant with baby number two. Part of the development program is to undertake a series of progressively more complex and senior executive position assignments. Problem is, while I have spent that past 12 months changing diapers and doing laundry, the work landscape has changed and there are few assignments from which to choose. In fact, there are next to none.
So maybe it is time to leave this program unfinshed, quit this career path and start fresh. Leave this chance of a lifetime program that I have started, just as I left past interests, left my doctorate, left my first marriage, left friends....no drama, no long drawn out passionate angst – just flee quickly, near silently, without looking back.
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Interesting. I am curious as to what an executive leadership development program is. Did you help create it? How long were you with it before becoming pregnant? How is it close to your heart? How invested in it are you? What are the consequences if you leave? Might you regret the decision? What is your husband's work? Can he carry the family?
ReplyDeleteIf you've had a baby and are used to being at home, going back to work is going to be an adjustment. Don't expect too much of yourself. Let yourself get into a groove, or at least get to a point where you feel stable, before you quit. I know that with my first child, Kieran, I was a hormonal mess at about 13-14 months. That was when I stopped producing huge amounts of milk. I got depressed. I have no idea what you're going through in that respect, but it could be that your feelings are transient. Also, with that challenging three year old of yours, your energy must be pulled in way too many directions! Give yourself time, time, time . . .
Eva,
ReplyDeleteI wish it was back-to-work-blues or hormone changes, because those are normal…and beyond my influence. But this situation is one of my own making in a way. And that really makes me burn.
The program is a corporate program, run by the organization I work for – executives apply (aka audition), then go through a screening processes that includes 360º interviews with bosses, colleagues, subordinates and, if you pass that, then it is on to a board interview with senior executives. If accepted, you are part of a program that includes leadership courses, peer discussion groups, coaching, and a series of job assignments. I have done one assignment while on the program, ending when the baby was due. Now, back from a year’s leave, there are no real job assignments from which to choose. So I am underemployed and bored. A dangerous combination for me. The kicker is that I left my position to join this program – a position that was challenging, frustrating, never boring and multi-dimensional. Now, I am losing touch with my professional brain, my commitment to change, my drive to contribute.
The consequences if I leave? Well, there are two choices: I can leave the organization entirely, losing everything I worked for over the last 10 years; or, I can leave this program, and once again leave something unfinished. Can my husband’s work carry the family? Sure. But it can’t carry me. I am not meant to stay home. I simply can’t.
So, I will continue to hunt through the bureaucratic bushes for a position that will inspire, challenge, and be fun. In the meantime, I will also take your advice, and use this time that I have – a first in my working life – to find better balance, love my boys a little harder, and fill the summer with as much joy as I can.
Hmmmm. Sounds difficult. So let me get this straight. You were an executive who got through all the hurdles of the corporate program to the "job assignment" stage, and now there are no interesting assignments. But what is still confusing to me is how you can work for the organization that created the corporate program. And if it is your program, can't you influence or create the job assignments?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to be so dense. "Corporations" was the one course in law school I nearly failed out of. I just don't get them.
Hmmmm…if corporations seemed tough to comprehend, wait for this …
ReplyDeleteReplace “corporation” with “federal government”. Think bureaucracy, hierarchy, public service…think huge, near immovable monolith comprised of thousands of people spread across numerous departments and agencies within the country and internationally. Think each department/agency wanting to protect/promote its own executive team and therefore not give out plum assignments to outsiders. Makes for a bit of a problem in the availability of assignments…
Hence my complaint, my bitterness, my frustration, my growing disillusionment, my whining blog post of several days ago. But I have started to stir things up a bit. We’ll see how it goes…